(mis)Adventures in Fatherhood

If Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, then where are their children from?

My early parenting skills have relied heavily on trial and error. The majority of the error is directly the result of the language barrier that exists between me and Kayla. Obviously, she doesn't speak English yet, but she does speak Baby. The problem is that it's not as if they offer a Berlitz course in Baby. The people at Why Cry claim to have the high tech answer for linguistically challenged parents.

Why Cry® Baby Cry analyzer

To me, this sounds like utter BS. However, the Spanish version has been endorsed by the Spanish Association of Midwives, an international scientific juggernaut which also happens to be chronically underfunded. If anyone has experience with this, please tell me. Otherwise, I may just give it as a gag gift so that it can be tested in real time.

Kayla speaks Baby fluently, but my WW and I had little to know experience with the language until we were forced into a "Total Immersion Program" immediately after birth. As an OB/GYN, my WW was happy just to hear babies cry in the moments before and after handoff to the Pediatricians. As a Surgeon and a Radiologist, I routinely made babies cry and didn't pay attention.

With Kayla, the goal is completely different. We are convinced that the preemptive strike is the best tactic. However, this is the most difficult to master. The theory is something like this: You are supposed to read your child's cues so that you can address their needs before they become unconsolable. That's the theory at least and we have had varying success at trying to implement it. Most times when Kayla starts to stir, we can figure out what's going on and help her out.

Sometimes the theory doesn't work. Let's say you are confronted with a crying baby. For the most part there are only a finite number of things that upset it. Hunger, a dirty diaper, gas pains, sleepiness, being too hot, too cold or just wanting to be held. So you just go down the list. Give her a boob (or bottle), change the diaper, do the anti-gas exercises, undress her, dress her or cuddle. What you are trying to avoid, at all costs, is the stage 4 cry.

Kayla's crying explained:
0 - fidgety, making funny faces and noises, brief body movements
1 - crying occasionally, normal skin tone, moving arms and legs, easily soothed
2 - consistent cry, furrowed brow, pink skin, waving arms, pedaling legs, soothable but only momentarily
3 - hoarse cry, quivering jaw, knotted brow, red skin, frantic arm and leg waving, soothable for seconds but with great difficulty and constant vigilance
4 - "The Silent Scream" She can't even move sufficient air to cry, mottled skin, arms and legs fully extended out to sides in startle reflex, unconsolable, game over

It's kind of like a race. The goal is to move quickly through the decision tree to limit Kayla's distress. As we screw up, she kicks it up a notch until we figure it out or reach stage 4.

So far, 2 dirty diapers and a missed feed at the Pediatrician's office are all that separates us from a respectable record.